21.

truthfully, i am just a normal 21 y/o guys. looks just average, always talk craps, love to joke around, not easy to get along on the first impression, not good in organizing my financial, and seems a bit immature. maybe not a bit. maybe i am immature.

i always act and looks immature. but i know, i can think, maturely when i am needed to. that is what i think about myself.

i also find myself a bit complex. and i am hardly understand myself. so i never expect others to understand me. but i am sure that i am not complicated. both those, are two different things.

last weekend, i had a talk with my sis. the oldest one. i rarely talks and open up with her before. maybe because of the age gap, i am not easily close to her. compare with my other sister, which i am quite close.

i love having an adult's talk. because adults can give a lot of good advices. i am young. for now, ignorance is my middle name. i need a lot of guide, so i can live through this world.

but for 21 y/o guy, i also believe, that i have been experiencing a lot of things, i have seen a lot of things, and i heard a lot of things. sometimes, i can't believe that i am living this life. i see a lot of ups and downs. i see a lot of people change. i see myself change. i see babies grow up into child. i see child grow up into boys. i see beauty outside but dark and rotten inside. i see people get deserved. i see pains. i see wealthiness. i see happiness. i see smiles and grin. i see cheats and lies. i see justice and injustice. i see grateful and ungrateful. but i am still 21. i still going to see a lot of things after this.

i'll pass through all those phases. and i want to keep myself strong.

God, help me. help us. I am, we are just Your ignorance creature. Please guide us. Amin.

life was supposed to be hard

life was supposed to be hard.

that was my personal opinion and perspective about life. life was never supposed to be easy. but no matter how hard your life could be, there is always be the sweetness that you can taste from it.

life was supposed to be hard. so we could grow up and learn from this life. there is no other better teachers in this world than life itself.

life was supposed to be hard. that is why we should always be grateful with our life and never waste it. we should cherish every moment with our life because the past is past. and we should always stay together for the present and be prepared for the future.

life was supposed to be hard. so, we should be kind to each other and try not to ruin their life.

life was supposed to be hard. we should love each other and never let them wasted their life.

life was supposed to be hard. we should never gave up. even if we are at the most critical breaking point in our life.

life was supposed to be hard. so that we would never ever forget The One and Only, The Almighty God Allah S.W.T.

life was supposed to be hard. please don't, don't make it harder on other's.

a person told me, that i am nothing, to write anything for others to read. i just smile. well, this is my place, to express all of my thoughts and turned it into my own useless words and sentences full with grammatical error. i don't care. i just take life, seriously. please mind your own business. will ya?

my life was always quite hard but every time i woke up in the morning, i be grateful to God, for letting me live in this life, one more day. and that will always be enough reason for me to smile for the rest of the day.

awaken by the silences.

buzzz. buzzz. buzzz.

the vibrating sounds of Tommy's phone wake him up. 2.30 a.m. "who the hell would be texting me at this kind of time?", Tommy wonders. he reaches to his phone and tries to open his eyes as big as he can.

1 New Messages : Unknown Number.

"Hmm." Tommy hit the read button. his curiousity is at its peak.

damn you asshole. who the hell you think you are? you think you are good enough huh? your life is miserable right now. you might even don't have a future. you might be ending up homeless, poor and living out on the street. who do you think you are to talk and give motivation to others when you are having a shitty life right now? and i am not a bitch. you just remember. you are an asshole yourself. you are a mistake. one day i'll show it to you how wonderful my life gonna be with my new boyfriend. God answer my prayer. He gave him into my life. i'll do it. i'll show how happy i could be. you remember yourself, asshole.

an angry text messages. in a middle of the night. who else would it be. "haih." sigh Tommy. yup. he is living a shitty life right. he was an asshole before. he wasn't perfect. the text messages sent to him was true. most of it. but he has his reason. and he never have to state it. Tommy put the phone away. trying to sleep. but he can't. not after reading that disturbing messages.

so what? yup. i am living a shitty life. well, u never care. all this time it is always about you. you're always have to be the one who have to be pleased. i'm the one who serves. remember. i am the one who broke up with you. at least you should be grateful that you are happy now and stay out of my life. i've completely took out myself from you. so why don't you just get out of mine? i'm not the one who disturb you in the middle of the night. i'm not the one who sending all those disturbing messages. emh maybe i did. yes i did. but that is after i realise that u always wanted to hurt me. it's true. it's hard to forget you. i did miss you. i love u a lot. so what do you expect? i am putting myself together now. i think what i did now was nothing. compare to what you did to me before when i want to break with you. i'm sure you forgot how psychopathic you have been before. so just, stay out of my life.

it's been hard for tommy. to live like this. but he knows, he don't have to fight anymore. this is not his fight. what he wanted all along was just a normal life. he might be broken up inside but he can see, the life outside him are turning back to normal. "Thank god."

buzzz. buzzz. buzzz.

another text messages came. "haih." Tommy sighed. and then suddenly, his phone rings.

Incoming Call : Amy

" i couldn't sleep. just want to check you out. you okay baby?" said Amy. her voice was so soft and calming. like a lullaby that could send thousand of babies to sleep.

" i'm fine baby. don't you worry. i love you. now go to sleep will ya? i don't want my baby waking up with a sore eyes like a panda next morning. " Tommy replied. sarcastically.

"haha. u always joking baby. when will you ever be serious? " ask Amy. with a little laugh that can be heard clearly in the silences of the night.

" i'm always serious when i needed to be honey. don't worry. hehe. now go to sleep. don't you worry" said Tommy. he sounded like he really care for her. more than he care for himself.

"okay baby. Goodnyte".

"goodnite".

Tommy smiles. Amy always have been the one who stands beside him. they knew each other for so long. he knew he have to keep the girl near to him or he will lose her one day.

2 New Messages : Unknown Number.

"screw you."

He hit the delete button and never read them. why should he. as for now, Tommy knew that he have his life just for himself. there is no more Gina in his life. he should make his life great. and it is not about proving anything to anybody. it is just for him, his family, and for the future family of his own.

**************************************************

'You can be as mad as a mad dog at the way things went. You could swear, curse the fates, but when it comes to the end, you have to let go.' Captain Mike from the Curious Case Of Benjamin Button.

700 days of not seeing.

this event of stories are never meant to be related to any people, dead or living in any kind of way. especially u, bitch.

a story of a boy and a girl, and it was not, a love story.

for a country boy, outside life is a new whole meaning for him. he never really sees, what life would be and what life could bring. For a 23 years old boy, named Tommy.

and for a sub-urban city girl, life is all about knowing the right way to live and survive by using other people success and take a benefit for her own. in her life, there is nothing even more important than her life and her success. meet the young and beautiful, Gina.

as life could be as complicated as would be, Tommy could never really sees. in his eyes life is so meaningful, full with love and happiness. well Gina, she always knew what may come in life so she always prepared, to use other people.

Gina was lonely. One day she decided she wanted to fill her loneliness with somebody. "never meant for anything serious, just filling for the emptiness." she say to herself. fate or coincidence, she managed to trap Tommy. By just using a few promises and words, she caught his heart, and he gave it all away. All. Away. and that was the start of 'a beginning of an ending', for Tommy.

their relationship never seem fake, for him. but for Gina, she always prepared. she never take anyone seriously in her life. so why should she take this one? one day, Gina had to go away. Tommy really wanted her to stay. But Gina was also too afraid. As she knows life out there was quite complicated. she know she could not handle it out herself.

"Come with me, Tommy. I need u. I need somebody to take care of me. I'm just a girl. I won't make it through out there, alone." cries Gina. Luring the boy, into her mouse trap.

" Take your worry away lovely baby. Of course i'll be there for you. I'll take all the bitterness for you and leave you nothing, except the sweetness essences, of life." said Tommy, without any hesitation in his words.

That is the beginning of a dark episode which more will come, in that poor boy's life.

*****************************************************

living in the outside world on their own, always was adventurous enough for them. Especially Tommy. But he never gave up. never he learned before to give up. And well, Gina was literally doing nothing. having Tommy as her shadow, make her life easier. and that was she always wanted in her life.

in a normal relationship, there should always have Give n' Take, and Up n' Down. it is what make the relationship stable. it is the ingredients that formed a strength in any relationship. the more the time they have together, the more Tommy gave. still, the more Down they are having.

"It is too much for me. I could never continued my life like this. Please baby. I love you. Let's make our relationship better." beg Tommy to Gina. Like a slave, begging to his Queen.

Gina had to keep him around, as he was the shadow of all the things she had to do.

"Don't worry honey, I'll promise I'll make our relationship better." promised Gina, that were never promising enough.

as time passes by, the only things that changed was Gina life. her life was getting better. But not Tommy, as he see that Gina was his life. he never sees his real life. he never really met em'. their Down's are getting harder and critical everyday. and it affected Tommy the most. and never Gina, because she has already taking him out of her life. throwing away her shadows, who done almost everything for her before.

one day the decision had to be made. Tommy took the strength to called it off. Tommy ran away. trying to put his life in part because he never really does that before. and giving chances to Gina to do same.

it was never hard for Gina. As she was the one in this episode that knew what life could bring. Opposite for Tommy. His life sucks. but he had to breath and continue to live as she couldn't take his breath from him.

his life are falling apart in front him. it is hard enough but no one could be able to see. he hide it well enough so that no one could feel what he had within. and Gina was irritated by Tommy. She still had to make Tommy's life harder. as she could only live, by other's disaster. the more he hurts, the more he knew about life. that was the 'ending of an ending', for him.

now Tommy is still breathing. whole new air, with a whole new smile. he has finally sees, what life could be and what life would bring.

and Gina, she is on the peak of her life now. everything was so perfect for her. she had everything even more than before. she even got a new "toy" around. But she always forgot, how she used Tommy. she always forgot, how she lied to Tommy. she always forgot, how she hurts Tommy. she always forgot that she is the manipulator, the cheater, and how she always lied to Tommy face.

Tommy wasn't hoping for anything to her. But she never sees, how this life could pay it back to her faces. Someday and somehow.

************************************************

let's hope for the best that make it last.

i won't question why.

i used to be a soldier. i used to fight for others. i used to sacrifice all my life just to make their's better. i always put myself in front of them, so whatever may come shall hit me first. i'll spill my blood for them if i have to.

until one day, one of my beloved people whom i protect and served betrayed. she wants to get rid of me. after all this time i have been their shadow and then next thing i know she managed to convince others to put me down. throw me away. and that was the biggest hit i ever take for them. from them. by them. it struck deep. penetrates through my skin. with a blunt pointed tip it hurts. hurts more than i have ever take. hurts more than a dozen of flying bullets. it wasn't sharp as a bayonets, but it precisely know where to hurt.

as a soldier, i supposed to endure and stand all of this. but in this case, i totally can't. i feel my life has been wasted. i can't see the main purpose of my life anymore. i do not want to die. but i surely do not know how to live. day after day i lay on my back. awake. my mind are empty. as empty as the sky in a hot desert. my feelings are numb. my body doesn't know what they are supposed to do anymore. my muscle sores, my limbs seems like they wasn't there. i don't know what to do. there's no more order that i could follow through.

one night i decided, if i am not needed, i should not be here. i should stay away from here. i reach for legs. making them to work as their supposed to. and i start walking. i never try to look back. because i'll be hurt. by betrayal and injustice. at this point my feeling are purely hate and no others. it's the first feeling i ever had for quite a while.

it's been a few years i never heard from all of those people. i never wanted to hear from them. sometimes i wish for pain and sorrow for them. i wish they all die in misery. for playing with my life and my trust for them. for being ungrateful with all of the sacrifices i have done. my life full with hatred, which i never had them, before.

one hot day in a summer, a young fine beautiful woman came into my oasis where i stay. she seem lost and she needed a place to stay. i was committed with a loneliness for a while. i forgot what it feel to have people around. so i just let her stay and just mind with my own business. we never had a conversation. i feel like we didn't need one.

"so, i noticed that you used to be a soldier." she ask. breaking the silences that i had been going with her for a few days. i shocked but i replied just to be nice, " yes i am". the conversation became longer. the contents became deeper. next thing i know i am making a friend. which i never had before. i only know how to serve. i never know how it feel having a friend.

it feels warm and cozy. i finally managed to put a smile on my face. it feels good.

" so, why did they throw u away, soldier?".

and the silences are filling the air for a while.

" i won't question why".

i smile. and then our hearts beat faster. making a bond. a commitment. something that called, LOVE.

heh.

to believe, that believing is everything.

i believe in my dreams. to achieve something. and satisfied with it. i believe life is so meaningful to be wasted. i believe we are stupid to just let our life pass away without any achievement. please, don't take your life for granted.

dream on. have a vision. own a mission.

but words are totally easier than actions. "so why wait?" i ask myself.

so i will not wait. i will not just sit here and wait for all the good things to happen. i'll bust my ass for my dreams. i'll set my vision. i'll own a mission. i won't waste my life. i don't want to be the person who 35 years later sitting in a bench looking and wondering how old he has become and never own anything meaningful in his life. by owning, it is not about materials. materials were never an owning. don't ever be proud, with all of your materials that you ever owned.

i want to be successful in my studies.

i want to have a good a career.

i want my interest in music will make through an achievement.

i want to take a good care of my parents.

i want to have a lovable wife, that i'll always love till the end of my life.

i want to have a good children and be more than just a dad to them.

i want to make my life, as meaningful as it could be.

so i will not just sit here and wait, for all those things to happen.

life is a battle. come on. be a winner.

as long as i remember, i never wanted to remember it at all.

so here it is. it is burning hot. the temperature is killing you. the sun are playing with you. your life are quite messed up lately. sometime u just wake up and u wish u never have to. so what, what should you do?

what did i do? i do absolutely nothing. i act like there was absolutely nothing. i smile like there was absolutely nothing, big, happening in my life. i talk with people, acting like it was nothing. but is it nothing? should it be nothing? will it be nothing? i will never ever know.

so, here's the story of how a boy that took the road not taken. this boy, he have everything in his life. good family, good education, good friends and good future. let's not forget, a good girl, that always take a good care of that boy.

blah blah and blah. the boy somehow walk along the journey of his life, and finally found a fork in a road, divided into two. so he see, one nice road, surrounded by trees and birds are singing happily. and the other road, look just fine. as fine as the other one. but u can see, the road are rarely used and it seems creepy, for a boy who have everything in his life.

so that the boy have to choose. in a long day, he takes, to make his decision. but there's a rule he have to play. there's a catch he have to pay. and came along an elf, whispering in his hear. "hey boy. you seem have been living really-really fine all these years. you never met a real life experience in your life. come on boy. seize the day. left everything behind and walk along the road not taken. your future will never be decided until u decided it know."

so the boy, walk along the road not taken and yes. he have to struggle through everything, everything one's could imagine. but yet he walk, walk along and play along the games, the road gave him. as too late for him, to regret the decision that he made, for taking the road, not taken.

one's should never regret, the decision one's have made.

but did i? i would never ever tell you.