i soaked in my own sweat.

it was late at night. and i'm on my way driving to a place that i used to be really familiar with. i have to met someone. someone i used to know for quite while. i didn't really knew what i was doing.

"this is crazy. this is not a good decision, man. are you really sure with what you're doing?" i said to myself, emphasizing really.


it's have been tough on me. my mind always wandered around. i could never think straight for quite a time. i seems okay. but okay is wasn't enough. i need to be perfect. and then the songs were playing on the stereo.
Straight Jacket Feeling - All American Rejects. i listen carefully to that song, and hell it has a very meaningful lyrics.

Back me down from backing up

Hold your breath now it's stacking up

Etched with marks, but I can deal

And you're the problem and you can't feel

Try this on, straight jacket feeling

So maybe I won't be alone

Take back now, my life you're stealing

Yesterday was hell

But today I'm fine without you

Run away this time without you

And all I ever thought you'd be

That face is tearing holes in me again

Trust you is just one defense

Off a list of others, you don't make sense

Beg me time and time again

To take you back now, but you can't win

Take back now, my life you're stealing

Yesterday was hell

But today I'm fine without you

Run away this time without you

And all I ever thought you'd be

That face is tearing holes in me

But today I'm fine without you

Run away this time without you

And all the things you put me through

I'm holding on by letting go of you

And when that memory slips away

There'll be a better view from here

And only lonesome you remains

And just the thought of you I fear

It falls away

"haih". i sighed in silences.

i've been quite attracted with the songs from All American Rejects now. their songs were so meaningful. i'm also wondering why their song are mostly about a heartbroken guy expressing their feeling. in their last two albums, most of them are all about it. maybe it easier to write a song about that. maybe they are so many people heartbroken in this world. maybe.

as the song came to an end, i reached my destination. from a distance i could see her. seems unhappy. of course. then i'm wondering. what the hell i am doing here?

i parked next to her. killed the engine and i opened the doors. slowly, i got out and walked towards her. then this feelings came. i knew, i didn't like it to be here.

i just look at her face. i stood there and says nothing. i was numbed. i saw her lips moving. she was saying something. but i can't even remember what she was saying. not that i didn't focused with what she's been telling. it's just my mind seem been floating and rejecting all the things she have been saying to me.

and then all of sudden, i felt really uncomfortable. something is burning in my chest. it's a bad, bad heartache.

i knew this pain. it's a pain you feel when your heart are crushed to ashes.

i could see her, smiling. i still don't get it. next thing i knew i was on my feet walking away from her. i get into my car and drive. and the pain, kept getting on harder.

***********************************

"huh."

i woke up. thank God it was just a dream. I am soaked with my own sweat. And the pain was still there.

God, help me.

this loneliness didn't kill me. but i think it's good if i have someone to take care of me. but the time still wasn't right. i need time. i need time.